Wrestling with Pigs

George Bernard Shaw once said, "I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig, you get dirty; and besides, the pig likes it." This is usually my policy when dealing with people who are completely set in their ways. If there is nothing I can say to change their minds, why waste my time and breath arguing. However this post from Hot Dads got me inspired to write, even though I am not trying to change the author's mind.

If you scroll down to Southern Sage, he makes some comments about parenting and stay at home parents. To sum up, he basically says that if there is not one parent with the children 24/7 than the child is not going to turn out as well, and that parents should not put their need for silly luxuries like a second car or a pool before their kids.

As someone who considers herself a damn fine mom and a person who works outside the home I greatly object to this theory. The reality is that for many families that second income is not to cover luxuries like a pool or toys, but to pay the mortgage, buy food, and maybe, just maybe put aside a little for retirement or a college education for those children.

Could Hubman and I eke out a living on his salary alone? In the part of the country that we have to live in for his job, not really. But that is not the only reason I work. I also work not only to contribute financially to support our family but because I find my work satisfying and stimulating.

Even the most fulfilled Stay at Home Mom will admit that there are days that she wishes she was in the workforce if for nothing else that they can have lunch and pee in peace. I also believe if pressed many SAHM's will admit that they left the workforce because the workforce was not accommodating to the balance they needed to manage both children and career as opposed to an overwhelming desire to be home with the kids.

Are there days I wish I was home? Occasionally when work stress gets to me, or I have a bad day, but I know that I am at my best for the kids with the way I am. When I am at work, I am at work, and when I am home the children get my undivided attention. And when the kids go to bed.... well you can go visit Hubman to hear about what happens then.

One of the other reasons I work is that even if Hubman promised me today that if I stayed home that he would always support me and keep me in the standard of living to which I have become used to. (Name brand cereals, and the occasional vacation) I still would not do it. I have seen enough of several economies to know how fragile financial security is. Also in my line of work I often see the rude surprise waiting for people who are trying to re-enter the workforce after taking off 3, 5, 10 or more years. Its not very pretty.

Also money is power and money is freedom. Knowing that if God forbid Hubman couldn't work, I could support the family. Or if worse came to worse and he died or left me that I could support me and the children on my own is comforting.

Even though people pay a lot of lip service to the contributions of a SAHM, when the going gets tough there are not a lot of people walking the walk. I have seen too many times that when someone wants out in a marriage with a SAHM, all of a sudden 'our money' becomes 'my money that you spend' and the contributions that have always been praised, no longer seem to matter.

As far as the inherent quality of parenting, for every SAHM that does wonderful and enriching educational activities with the children all day, there are just as many that plant the kids in front of the TV and let Noggin provide their education.

I am not knocking SAHM's. I am pleased to count many of them as friends and readers. However to say that someone who stays home is inherently a better parent than I am because I work is hogwash. (SAHM's please feel free to comment. I am wearing a flame retardant suit)

I never believed in the so called 'culture wars' that pitted the SAHM's against the mothers who work outside the home. I always felt it was a bunch of drivel to distract us moms (and dads) from real problems with schools, like the fact that we have to sell crappy wrapping paper to afford books and supplies, or that recess and Physical Education is being cut so since our kids are not getting enough exercise to burn off steam they are getting medicated instead.

I also know from personal experience that day care is not bad for children. Both Princess Persistent and Darling Boy have been in daycare or after school care since they were three months old. They have both been fortunate enough to attend the same daycare company that I used to work for.

My children's daycare has heated floors in the infant room and tiny potties in the toddler room. The sleeping areas are separate than the play areas and they are surrounded by educational toys and supplies that enrich their learning. All of their teachers have had criminal records checked in EVERY state they have lived in, and are drug tested. They are also licensed by the state, certified in 1st aid and CPR and many of them have degrees in elementary education or early childhood education. Each of my children has had the same teacher for several years in a row, and have NEVER had a teacher leave during the year.

They are also the girls that sit for us when we go out at night.

My center provides breakfast, lunch and three snacks daily. They also do laundry if my child spills juice on her clothes, or gets them very dirty on the playground. They have a covered outdoor play area as well as a regular outside play area and large indoor play spaces so they can be active even in the most inclement weather.

My child has an organized curriculum that involves gross and fine motor skills, literacy skills and social skills. PP can say hello in four different languages and count to 30 in English and 25 in Spanish. She also knows all of her letters and has an extensive vocabulary.

My children are neat, polite and very sweet. When they finish eating they bring their plates to the sink and put their dirty clothes in the hamper and have been doing so since they were 18 months old.

Also once I got past the 1st three years, Darling boy has missed exactly one day of school in the past six years. Its because he got to build his immune system from a young age.

I tend to get angry when people just lump a group together and disparage them. Dual working families have been around since the dawn of time and are not going away any time soon.

I am now stepping off my rant box. Have a pleasant day!

Hubman: Veronica asked me to read this and comment as I saw fit. I really have nothing more to add and think that she did a great job tackling this issue. She really is the mostest awesomest mommy!